I feel like crying

I was going through some old notes looking for something, I can't remember what now, and I found old role-play and group ideas from people who were once my friends. I used to have this group of friends I'd chat with everyday, back when I was active in the Naruto fandom (shut up) and rereading these notes I remember how much fun we had spitballing ideas and just doing the most random shit. They exposed me to new anime, they let me join in on the most random conversations they were having, they introduced me to Tumblr, and this was late high school, if not long after I graduated. I felt validated, I felt accepted, and it was so much fucking FUN. I was stupid. I was blind. I genuinely didn't understand what I was doing back then - I have a better understanding now, and seeing those old notes is ripping me apart. I wish I could have kept those friendships going. I wish I still had them around, with their awesome plot bunnies and their random shenanigans. Sometimes I see one or two of them post on Facebook, they're still friends with me there, and I want to talk to them SO BADLY - not even asking them to come back, just like a "hey, how are you doing" but I get so scared that they still hate me. Most of them don't seem to be active on here anymore. I'm sorry. I'm so damn sorry. I fucked up, I realize that now. I wish I could have just one more peaceful conversation with them, just a short little chat like we used to because FUCK I miss them. They were some of the first internet friends I ever met in person in the most amazing Thanksgiving weekend I ever had. It's been years and it stilll hurts so much on the occasion that Im reminded of them. Im full on crying now becuase Im a piece of shit. Im sorry. If any of you who im talking about see this im so sorrt. im sorry things ended the way they did, im sorry im not your friend anymore, im sorry i fucked up im sorry. i dont know what else to say i dont know if i can ever fix it because its been so long but im so sorry