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I feel like I don't appreciate any of you guys enough. And I'm sorry for that. I'm terrible at talking to people, I'm terrible at messaging people back, I'm just terrible. I keep telling myself every year that I'll be better at it. That I won't worry about it as much. That I won't stress myself out over it. But I always fail. I love you guys, truly, and I'm always so so so thankful for every bit of support I get. And I know I don't do enough in return, no matter how much I may want to. I don't know why I'm like this.
I wish I could be happier for you guys. Every so often I get art in the mail, or some product that a friend worked hard on, and in the moment that I open it and see it I always get super excited. I get so excited I come close to crying, and I probably annoy the shit out of Eric, my boyfriend, every single time because I'm always dashing off to call him or see him and fangirl about it. But it seems like that only lasts for a moment. I tuck the art away into my binder, and then... everything fades. I still acknowledge the time and effort put into the thing I got. I still appreciate people spending that much time and effort on me. But looking back at it later on, I don't get that same excited high that I did the first time. And I want to. I want to be excited again, seeing how talented all of my friends are. But I can't get there.
You guys are all way out of my league anyway. The fact that you'd use your time and effort on me in the first place absolutely baffles me. I'm surrounded by so much awesomeness everyday and I don't deserve any of it, especially since I can't give back. Why me? What did I do to deserve you all? I can't have done THAT much. And this whole line of thinking makes me so sad. I am crying as I type this. I'm amazed I can keep my hands this steady.
There's been so many times around the end of 2017 that I've just felt numb. Or angry. Or sad. And all with no good reason. The logical part of me KNOWS there's no good reason to it. And I know once I post this I'll get at least one, maybe two comments trying to cheer me up, but I really don't think that will help. I'll feel like I'm dragging you down to my level. Whoever leaves that comment will be all caring and considerate and optimistic for my sake. I feel like all I do is take take take advantage of how nice you guys are.
I've thought of leaving this site. I've thought of leaving so many times. I've half-convinced myself, more than once, that abandoning this account would be better for everyone, so all you nice people can focus on more important shit. I know you all have lives, I know you all have your own problems, you don't need to waste your time on me. That's what I keep saying to myself. The thing is, I also know that if I leave the site I won't be able to see all your art and read your messages, and dA is the only real interaction I have outside of work. I've got maybe two friends in my real life, and one of them is my boyfriend. This site is the only way I ever talk to anyone else, even as limited as it is.
Why am I like this? Why do I keep doing this to myself? I wish I could stop. If I could stop, then maybe you nice people would stop worrying about me. And that would be really nice, you not worrying about me. I don't want to drag anyone down. I don't want to keep taking advantage of people the way I have been. I love you all. I promise, I do. I wish I could show that more, in a way that actually MEANS something. I wish I could FEEL it more, in a way that actually means something. I'm sorry I'm such a shitty friend. Don't feel obligated to comment, I honestly don't know if I'll reply.
I wish I could be happier for you guys. Every so often I get art in the mail, or some product that a friend worked hard on, and in the moment that I open it and see it I always get super excited. I get so excited I come close to crying, and I probably annoy the shit out of Eric, my boyfriend, every single time because I'm always dashing off to call him or see him and fangirl about it. But it seems like that only lasts for a moment. I tuck the art away into my binder, and then... everything fades. I still acknowledge the time and effort put into the thing I got. I still appreciate people spending that much time and effort on me. But looking back at it later on, I don't get that same excited high that I did the first time. And I want to. I want to be excited again, seeing how talented all of my friends are. But I can't get there.
You guys are all way out of my league anyway. The fact that you'd use your time and effort on me in the first place absolutely baffles me. I'm surrounded by so much awesomeness everyday and I don't deserve any of it, especially since I can't give back. Why me? What did I do to deserve you all? I can't have done THAT much. And this whole line of thinking makes me so sad. I am crying as I type this. I'm amazed I can keep my hands this steady.
There's been so many times around the end of 2017 that I've just felt numb. Or angry. Or sad. And all with no good reason. The logical part of me KNOWS there's no good reason to it. And I know once I post this I'll get at least one, maybe two comments trying to cheer me up, but I really don't think that will help. I'll feel like I'm dragging you down to my level. Whoever leaves that comment will be all caring and considerate and optimistic for my sake. I feel like all I do is take take take advantage of how nice you guys are.
I've thought of leaving this site. I've thought of leaving so many times. I've half-convinced myself, more than once, that abandoning this account would be better for everyone, so all you nice people can focus on more important shit. I know you all have lives, I know you all have your own problems, you don't need to waste your time on me. That's what I keep saying to myself. The thing is, I also know that if I leave the site I won't be able to see all your art and read your messages, and dA is the only real interaction I have outside of work. I've got maybe two friends in my real life, and one of them is my boyfriend. This site is the only way I ever talk to anyone else, even as limited as it is.
Why am I like this? Why do I keep doing this to myself? I wish I could stop. If I could stop, then maybe you nice people would stop worrying about me. And that would be really nice, you not worrying about me. I don't want to drag anyone down. I don't want to keep taking advantage of people the way I have been. I love you all. I promise, I do. I wish I could show that more, in a way that actually MEANS something. I wish I could FEEL it more, in a way that actually means something. I'm sorry I'm such a shitty friend. Don't feel obligated to comment, I honestly don't know if I'll reply.
Truth Seeker
Tricksters are social beings, they love beings around others of their kind and their people, love them, care for them, and never leave them alone.
$25/month
Talking Tropes, kind of
I'm curious, what's a writing/fanfic trope/trend that unsettles you? Like, you can see the appeal of it, but there's just something about it that hits you weird. For me, it's "Hanahaki". (This might count as body horror, I def mention blood, so maybe don't read the whole paragraph if that squicks you out.) I've only seen this is a few fanfic, personally, I don't know how widespread it is. In stories it's treated like a disease; you fall in love with someone and start coughing up rose petals. The longer you go without confessing your feelings, the worse it gets. At first it's just a couple of petals. Like, weird, but okay. But then it progresses until you start coughing up entire roses, thorny stems and all. Like it actually tears the body up on the inside, and you're just puking up entire bloody roses. AfaIk the only cure is to confess your feelings and have them reciprocated. If you don't, or if they aren't, it'll kill you. Someone will like find you in your room all dramatic and
Thinking About Old Friends
I made myself sad just now. An old faved art piece came up and reminded me of a group I used to chat with a lot in my Naruto days, probably a decade ago. Maybe more. We were all part of an Akatsuki OC-based group, and it always used to be the highlight of my days whenever I would go into the chatroom and find people there and just hang out. If there were only two or three of us, sometimes we'd break out into RP. If there were more, we'd talk about anime and develop other OC-based RP groups free of fandom influences. This group of friends got me into designing Pokemon gijinka, which led to some of my favorite OCs I've ever created. The Haunted Circus group, the Chess Piece Academy group, it was all so much fun. I thought things were great, I thought I was so lucky to have these guys to talk to. I even traveled down to their state one year for Thanksgiving because I'd started dating someone from said group. I loved them. I really did. One night, three of them pulled me into one of the
Art Trade Interest Check
STOP FUCKING UP MY LINKS DA Nobody voted negatively on last night's poll, so here we go! My birthday is Dec 18th and I want art, so, art trades! I'll link some characters I'm particularly vibing with down below, and people who want in can leave a comment saying what they're willing to do - chibi, halfbody, ACEO, etc. (You don't have to tell me which character you plan on drawing, feel free to surprise me.) If I reply in the affirmative, you can link me a character of your own and I will match what you're offering me. (If you pick ACEO and want to get mail, I'll need your address, but we can talk about that in notes or Discord or something.) I am more likely to prioritize friends and/or people I've traded with recently. If you join in this, you're welcome to alter clothing and hair if inspiration hits you. And please don't put yourself out too much for my sake; there are a lot of upcoming holidays and I know people have to prepare for those. I would also appreciate not receiving any
Journal Test - Public Bitching
It's been more than a week now. Only deviations will load in Messages. I can't go to your page and load anything that isn't an art picture. I keep having to switch to Mobile to load anything otherwise. "Something went wrong on our end. Please try again or reload the page." THEN FUCKING FIX IT. IT'S BEEN MORE THAN A WEEK. Will it even load the journal thing? I have no idea!
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Comments5
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Super late but I'm sending you plenty of hugs!
You're not a shitty friend at all. I hope you are able to talk to someone about these feelings if they're getting overwhelming though!
You're not a shitty friend at all. I hope you are able to talk to someone about these feelings if they're getting overwhelming though!