Devious Journal Entry

4 min read

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NekoChanTheKitty's avatar
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I feel like I don't appreciate any of you guys enough. And I'm sorry for that. I'm terrible at talking to people, I'm terrible at messaging people back, I'm just terrible. I keep telling myself every year that I'll be better at it. That I won't worry about it as much. That I won't stress myself out over it. But I always fail. I love you guys, truly, and I'm always so so so thankful for every bit of support I get. And I know I don't do enough in return, no matter how much I may want to. I don't know why I'm like this.

I wish I could be happier for you guys. Every so often I get art in the mail, or some product that a friend worked hard on, and in the moment that I open it and see it I always get super excited. I get so excited I come close to crying, and I probably annoy the shit out of Eric, my boyfriend, every single time because I'm always dashing off to call him or see him and fangirl about it. But it seems like that only lasts for a moment. I tuck the art away into my binder, and then... everything fades. I still acknowledge the time and effort put into the thing I got. I still appreciate people spending that much time and effort on me. But looking back at it later on, I don't get that same excited high that I did the first time. And I want to. I want to be excited again, seeing how talented all of my friends are. But I can't get there.

You guys are all way out of my league anyway. The fact that you'd use your time and effort on me in the first place absolutely baffles me. I'm surrounded by so much awesomeness everyday and I don't deserve any of it, especially since I can't give back. Why me? What did I do to deserve you all? I can't have done THAT much. And this whole line of thinking makes me so sad. I am crying as I type this. I'm amazed I can keep my hands this steady.

There's been so many times around the end of 2017 that I've just felt numb. Or angry. Or sad. And all with no good reason. The logical part of me KNOWS there's no good reason to it. And I know once I post this I'll get at least one, maybe two comments trying to cheer me up, but I really don't think that will help. I'll feel like I'm dragging you down to my level. Whoever leaves that comment will be all caring and considerate and optimistic for my sake. I feel like all I do is take take take advantage of how nice you guys are.

I've thought of leaving this site. I've thought of leaving so many times. I've half-convinced myself, more than once, that abandoning this account would be better for everyone, so all you nice people can focus on more important shit. I know you all have lives, I know you all have your own problems, you don't need to waste your time on me. That's what I keep saying to myself. The thing is, I also know that if I leave the site I won't be able to see all your art and read your messages, and dA is the only real interaction I have outside of work. I've got maybe two friends in my real life, and one of them is my boyfriend. This site is the only way I ever talk to anyone else, even as limited as it is.

Why am I like this? Why do I keep doing this to myself? I wish I could stop. If I could stop, then maybe you nice people would stop worrying about me. And that would be really nice, you not worrying about me. I don't want to drag anyone down. I don't want to keep taking advantage of people the way I have been. I love you all. I promise, I do. I wish I could show that more, in a way that actually MEANS something. I wish I could FEEL it more, in a way that actually means something. I'm sorry I'm such a shitty friend. Don't feel obligated to comment, I honestly don't know if I'll reply.
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Comments5
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nickyflamingo's avatar
Super late but I'm sending you plenty of hugs!
You're not a shitty friend at all. I hope you are able to talk to someone about these feelings if they're getting overwhelming though!